Getting my priorities straight... That's hard for me. I should be doing the bulk of homework we got given but I can only keep the paint brush down for 3 months tops. Any more than that and I begin to feel unlike myself. Not Sen, I start trying to be someone else. Not me. I looked inside to find me, only to find an empty shell that needs inputting. I've only done the sky in the new painting and I already feel like me and it's the best joy anyone could ever feel. I am myself again. It's the best feeling in the world, especially when you lose yourself to the daily grind. I don't know if anyone can ever understand, but I'm sure we all lose our identity at one point or another and it is sooo difficult to find ourselves again.
For weeks now, I have felt this disturbance deep inside me, at first I thought it was just one of those things, then last week I realised there was nothing inside me any more. Not even an inking of me. I had lost myself to the dark pits of an unfocused hell.
On numerous occasions, I have caught myself staring at a canvas I drew on last year. I suppose I was waiting for the right time to paint it. I guess I should have realised a part of me that still existed was giving me the answer all along- "paint it to find happiness". The painting is already looking fab. The problem with staring at a drawn canvas is that you start imagining how it 'could' look. It's a problem because you end up seeing things on it that might be a bit too far to reach. I'm not a brilliant artist, I can admit that easily, but I like painting. It makes me happy, however, my imagination is vast. What I imagined and how it'll look will be highly different. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be disappointed. I just won't tell anyone about all the different versions of it that reside in my mind. In fact, a lot the paintings that I have done have different versions in my mind. It's nice (overly used word) because not only do I see what others see, I see much, much more.
Some times I feel inside me this strong woman, I also some times wonder who she is. It's nice to have her back. I've been feeling barely alive over the last few months, where as now I feel rejuvenated, awake again.
Now that I'm back, I've been looking back at some of the things I've done over the past few months. There are some crimes I may have committed against myself and everything I believe in. I repeat, against myself, not the law. I think I've made some mistakes. I was speaking to a friend earlier and he told me, as long as I've learnt from the mistakes, I should be okay. The problem isn't that I've made a mistake (s). It's just that I don't really know how or what to learn from it. For example, a mistake could be- falling so easily for a stranger. Would the lesson be not to fall for a stranger again or to never give my heart away so easily? (heart hasn't even been accepted, it's just banging into his chest these days, waiting for an entry, which is tightly shut) OR is it never to fall in love? Actually, I was thinking I would be happier without a man friend. Why have a man friend when you can have cats (or dogs)! But then at the same time companionship shouldn't really be shunned.
Since the last post, I did a 'proper' spring clean of the flat! It was turning into some kind of a cobweb-filled crazy old lady's fantasy come true. Maybe not that bad, but bad enough.