Christmas is here! Well, I had to force myself to put in that exclamation mark. Not feeling jolly. I have been leaving things to the last minute this year- apart from writing a few cards, I've still not done any Christmas shopping :/ I tried to do some today, but it didn't exactly work out. There were many distractions in the form of handbags and shiny things. Before I knew it, it was around 5 and I needed to come home to do a few things.
For the past, god knows, how many years, I have been rather organised with the present shopping. I used to make lists of names and 3 possible gifts my friends/ family members would love. This year, it doesn't feel like Christmas and so there has been no list making. It kind of feels like Christmas is being forced upon us. Last week was a turning point, I suddenly felt the Christmas Spirit, so put the trees up, well, that's lie. Some friends on Facebook, were putting up photos of their trees and decorations. Me being a proud owner of a fake six-and-a-half foot tall tree, decided, I was not going to sit back and look at pictures of badly dressed trees, and so "needed" to put the godforsaken tree up too.
It's amazing how much hassle I put myself through by conforming. Still, I did it all, of course I had to move two big book cases out of the living room in order to fit in the plastic tree. By doing so, I also ended up hurting my back, even more than usual. This led me to being bed ridden for several days. By the end of last week, I hated Christmas and felt angry every time a friend updated a Christmas themed status. They were like flocks of seagulls- annoying me, in my way, ghastly. I wanted to punch something or delete any friend who decided that talking about Christmas was cool. Thankfully, I did neither and went to a pub close by. This wasn't any better. The landlord is either Father Christmas or is a bit overly overenthusiastic when it comes to decorating. I felt like I was being strangled and suffocated by the Spirit of Christmas. They have Father Christmas wrapping paper stuck on the walls and the windows were covers with fairy lights and tinsel and just about anything that they could find in their Christmas decorations boxes. It smelt like mince pies and the bar people were wearing red hats. Well, I thought, outside will be better. How wrong I was, we were entertained by several flashing lights depicting jolly fat men, his reindeer and bells, on all four walls.
I feel bitter. I feel like a decrepit, senile old woman. I'm not even middle aged yet. Of course I know that I could just choose not celebrate it. But then I would definitely become senile, or in fact prove it. Wise beyond my years or just incapacitated in the head. I don't want to choose. I've always been the first one to get excited about Christmas, the one who goes all out with the decorations and whatever else. But this year it just seems like a drag. Maybe it's because I have four 1500 word essays to do and one power point presentation. Or maybe it's because I didn't get into Cambridge U (was going post a long prose about the anguish, but decided against it- now a deadpan post). Or maybe it's because my back really hurts... or maybe because I know even mistletoe won't ignite any fires.
I am passionless, that's absolute.
If I change my mind, I will let you know.