A couple of months ago, a close friend told me, '... we all experience a death in our own way.'
We were sitting in our local haunt, late at night, where we were holding a small get together after the ash scattering ceremony.
In May, a friend committed suicide.
Closure in this type of tragedy is much harder to gain. Before the ash scattering, I couldn't believe that he had actually passed away, in many ways I still don't. I realised that I would not accept it and I needed to go through a type of process. Unfortunately, every time I thought of him, I went back to the exact point where I was when I found out what had happened; I felt as though I was frozen in time. I was shocked to the core.
I have always thought about death, late at night or in the early hours of the morning, and shuddered at the dark thoughts that hide in the darkest corners of everyone's mind that at one point or another my loved one are going to die and so shall I. I suppose so far in my life no one that I saw a lot, or lived in the same city as me and whom I was close to has died. It feels so different than the morbid thoughts I have. It's so much more grim but also at the other end of the spectrum. The thoughts I have had were full of fear and terrified me. But the death awakened me. I guess the thoughts were so terrifying that the made me think it was unnatural but the actual death has opened my eyes to reality. We all die. We have to.
In a way I suppose I have started the grieving process as time elapsed. I realise that we don't really have very long to live and we must make the most of it. I try to look out over the borders of daily life and see all that I can.
So this year's camping holiday was spent firmly on ground as opposed to last year's near the sea. My new ideals were reinforced by his death- I want to see and do all that I can before I go; starting with the country I live in. Seeing the Stone Henge reinvigorated that part of me. Of course the doing side is pretty much covered too with the swimming and uni and now *working*.
Life- let's make the most of it...no point in wanting to live forever.