Weathering The Storm...

The thing about having an inner storm is that unlike a weather storm, there is no sunshine afterwards. If anything, the thunder keeps erupting every time you think there might be a gap in the clouds, because not everything has been cried over or even dealt with. Unlike a thunder storm outside, a break down is a long and exhausting process leaves your body unfunctionable.

This time I cried for almost everything, especially for the sorrow I feel from the lack of having my siblings in my life, or me being in theirs. Though I have learnt to live without them, the guilt has created a deep, dark unending pool inside of me that holds a lot of woes, a never ending ache for them that will always be there. Sometimes I wonder why I feel heartbroken when I shouldn't be and only now realise that it's from the all the yearning to see my brother and sisters. The gap that no one has filled, I guess it's difficult for people to understand this gap unless they too have been through something similar. But I think everyone can appreciate that unlike lovers who go in and out of your life, your siblings, if you have them, remain in your life forever. (This may put things into perspective, if you don't know why or how the way things are in my life.)

I get the whole 'making peace with your past to move forward', I really do and with almost everything else, I have done just that. But this one thing has got me stumped. The worst thing is that before Friday night (when I broke down) I could almost see the light, I was seeking help, I was nearly at the end of the long waiting list, I had been given the date to my first therapy session. I knew that all I had to do was hold everything together until then- May 7th for the first therapy session or just after May 15th when my last deadline was but as you can see, it didn't go to plan. I suppose the trouble with doing that is that you end up creating jenga like towers of everything, eventually something will slip, resulting in the avalanche that I experienced. Going back to the beginning though, it's only been a couple of days, and I still don't know if was a good thing or a bad thing- this inner storm. 

I cringe and feel tight chested thinking back on everything I went through that night. I just lost it and started crying over something that I would not normally cry about. I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor in complete darkness. I questioned every fiber of my being. Just to interject- I had had a good day, I was content with my day- I had gone for brunch with two friends, we'd had a good time. And in the evening I had shut myself away in the bathroom- a room that I go to for solace when the going gets tough sometimes. I questioned my place in the world, my place amongst my friends, my degree, my home, my siblings, my achievements, my motivation, my strength. I even questioned my progress since running away from my father's and I questioned my life there after. I even messaged my friends to stay away from me. I cried until I lost all hope, until I had belittled away every inch of my heart, mind and soul, until I so small that I had become nothing. I was defeated. 

Thinking back on it right now, I realise that I still haven't got past it. I feel fragile. I think it would be worse if those friends hadn't come to my rescue, if my knight in shining armour hadn't sat outside the door trying to pull me out from the darkness I had let consume me, and had a friend not kept messaging me to try and lift me out of the dark pool. Now, this is a sensitive subject- I did not want to commit suicide at any point- I just simply didn't want to exist. And you may be wondering why I'm writing about this, I guess it's because when I'm writing, I feel free, unbound by those dark thoughts, and though I know that many people will read this, right now I feel like I'm only typing this to an extension of myself. 

Until next time,

Sen x

Acceptance

  Life is sometimes akin to being on a dinghy in the middle of great storm in the middle of a giant sea. The destination you were headed towards is suddenly lost as you are twisted around endlessly, the waves beating out all your sense of purpose, the rain dampening away your motivation, and the enthusiasm to go on is weakened further by the mist surrounding you, evading your sight from everything. It gets worse when the only oar you have is useless, not letting you move the dinghy in any direction you think might be the way to where you ought to be going. Everything, you realise, is out of your control.

I feel like this is similar to having a chronic pain and depression/ anxiety. Both of them are always there, bubbling away, sometimes one is more chaotic than the other and trying to keep both or even either one is exhausting. If I were to give them colours, Red would be the pain and Blue would be the depression/ anxiety, and as we all know, if mixed red and blue together they turn into purple, and as the painters out there will know, if one colour is too prominent in the mixing stage, it can completely affect the outcome. There have been times when I have added the wrong amount of either colour and ended up with a horrible brown, rendering it useless. Back pain mixed with depression and or anxiety has a similar outcome, although I don't get a lovely purple unless both of them are behaving.

I think it's a lot worse when one doesn't accept that initially, there's something wrong, and then finding out this is what's wrong. I don't think I've ever accepted that I am less abled, when I clearly am, and as inspiring as it may sound, it has also had a negative effect on me. This is because I want to be like other people- to believe that I am fully bodied, that I need to work harder- only I end up hurting myself which means that I cannot move for a long time after doing things that I perhaps ought not to have done, or just taken a break in between doing. Of course the latter also means that I would be forced to ask for help.

The argument that a lot of other hard headed chronic pain sufferers have used, and in turn made me take on their bad habits is, "If I don't do it, it won't get done". I wholeheartedly disagree with them- they need to learn to ask for help. This is a good skill to have and takes a long time to master, so why not begin now. Asking for help is by no means easy, in a way it's exposing your weakness, and for me, for a long time and even now feels like showing a weakness, but really it's showing to people that you are human. What we think of our ourselves and how others see you is very different- and there is no way of changing that apart from opening up and letting them in. Even then they won't see the whole picture, but at least they can see your struggles and at least appreciate how difficult your life actually is. I'm not the one for people pandering around me, but I think having that understanding with someone is important, for them to acknowledge it is a good feeling. You also then have someone to talk to, not off load to but talk openly. I am fortunate enough to have friends with whom I can talk to and share each others' pain. It really helps to have this.

Over the past few months I have begun to come to a realisation. I feel like the way I have been measuring success has been having a terrible impact on me. I always forget that both my inner self and outer shell are somewhat damaged and I should give myself a break once in a while. If I don't give myself a break then who will? I've also realised that my mind and body shut down when my inner self is conflicted with it's outer shell. Of course I push myself hard and of course I have deeper disappointments when I shut down. What I am trying to tell and teach myself lately is to understand that I need longer, more patience and more importantly, accept me for who I am. Because this is the only vessel I have; this is my mind and this is my body. The more pressure I put on me the worse pain and suffering I cause myself. My personal goal for now is to relax for once and not beat myself about it.

And I realise now that measuring success is an important component here. It isn't just measuring success in itself though, but also whether the type of success is appropriate to each individual. I know I must accept that I need to take more time. If I keep comparing myself to others, I will surely fail. I am capable of just as much, and perhaps even more. But in order to get there, I need to allow myself extra time and patience or I will keep setting myself to failure. How can I possibly achieve all that I can when my mind and body are left in chaos. The one thing I can count on is my determination. As long as I have that I know I will make it, eventually, with both my heart and my soul hand in hand with me.

Until next time,
Sen x

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