I feel like this is similar to having a chronic pain and depression/ anxiety. Both of them are always there, bubbling away, sometimes one is more chaotic than the other and trying to keep both or even either one is exhausting. If I were to give them colours, Red would be the pain and Blue would be the depression/ anxiety, and as we all know, if mixed red and blue together they turn into purple, and as the painters out there will know, if one colour is too prominent in the mixing stage, it can completely affect the outcome. There have been times when I have added the wrong amount of either colour and ended up with a horrible brown, rendering it useless. Back pain mixed with depression and or anxiety has a similar outcome, although I don't get a lovely purple unless both of them are behaving.
I think it's a lot worse when one doesn't accept that initially, there's something wrong, and then finding out this is what's wrong. I don't think I've ever accepted that I am less abled, when I clearly am, and as inspiring as it may sound, it has also had a negative effect on me. This is because I want to be like other people- to believe that I am fully bodied, that I need to work harder- only I end up hurting myself which means that I cannot move for a long time after doing things that I perhaps ought not to have done, or just taken a break in between doing. Of course the latter also means that I would be forced to ask for help.
The argument that a lot of other hard headed chronic pain sufferers have used, and in turn made me take on their bad habits is, "If I don't do it, it won't get done". I wholeheartedly disagree with them- they need to learn to ask for help. This is a good skill to have and takes a long time to master, so why not begin now. Asking for help is by no means easy, in a way it's exposing your weakness, and for me, for a long time and even now feels like showing a weakness, but really it's showing to people that you are human. What we think of our ourselves and how others see you is very different- and there is no way of changing that apart from opening up and letting them in. Even then they won't see the whole picture, but at least they can see your struggles and at least appreciate how difficult your life actually is. I'm not the one for people pandering around me, but I think having that understanding with someone is important, for them to acknowledge it is a good feeling. You also then have someone to talk to, not off load to but talk openly. I am fortunate enough to have friends with whom I can talk to and share each others' pain. It really helps to have this.
Over the past few months I have begun to come to a realisation. I feel like the way I have been measuring success has been having a terrible impact on me. I always forget that both my inner self and outer shell are somewhat damaged and I should give myself a break once in a while. If I don't give myself a break then who will? I've also realised that my mind and body shut down when my inner self is conflicted with it's outer shell. Of course I push myself hard and of course I have deeper disappointments when I shut down. What I am trying to tell and teach myself lately is to understand that I need longer, more patience and more importantly, accept me for who I am. Because this is the only vessel I have; this is my mind and this is my body. The more pressure I put on me the worse pain and suffering I cause myself. My personal goal for now is to relax for once and not beat myself about it.
And I realise now that measuring success is an important component here. It isn't just measuring success in itself though, but also whether the type of success is appropriate to each individual. I know I must accept that I need to take more time. If I keep comparing myself to others, I will surely fail. I am capable of just as much, and perhaps even more. But in order to get there, I need to allow myself extra time and patience or I will keep setting myself to failure. How can I possibly achieve all that I can when my mind and body are left in chaos. The one thing I can count on is my determination. As long as I have that I know I will make it, eventually, with both my heart and my soul hand in hand with me.
Until next time,
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