Thursday, 18 May 2017

Seeing Grey Again

I sometimes find myself thinking that I was not made for this world. I had a good run after my last bout of depression. With help via CBT, I climbed higher than I thought possible. I worked hard and graduated from my undergraduate degree with a respectable final mark, applied and got accepted for a Masters degree in the top 12th university in the UK. I climbed the ladder in a local political party and stood as a candidate in the local elections last year coming 2nd. Became very comfortable speaking and listening to strangers. Made new friends, took down some defences. I even gave speeches publically. But of course it didn’t last... I think I did pretty well.

What I feel right now is as though I am once more on a dinghy somewhere in the middle of an ocean, surrounding me is not salty water but heavy, sticky oil, and it has managed to cover almost everything around me and it will get to me, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. The inevitability of it all is starting to make me feel hopeless. I know that rather than avoiding it, it is a waiting game.

Through this dark time, what I have managed to accomplish is get help- within a week of self-referring, I have managed to get an initial appointment with a therapist to go through what’s happening and the best way to help me. It doesn’t really matter about who or how I got here, the best thing I did was get away from the catalyst or the root of my anguish, and I recognised that I was going off the deep end.

It isn’t easy to accept that you’re mental health has deteriorated once again, especially if you have had help in the past. It really doesn’t matter what other people think, because we will never truly know what they think. This idea of bringing shame and feeling shame should not be connected to our mental well-being- something we have little control over, especially when put in pressurised and stressful situations. Learn to recognise when the black dog starts to show, ask for help, don’t ignore it for too long. And definitely don’t medicate on alcohol- it makes things worse (been there, done that). If you feel too scared or embarrassed to go alone, get someone to go with you. I self-referred myself online on Sunday afternoon, I got a call today to have an initial appointment on Monday. It’s that easy.

Sen x

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