Monday, 20 August 2012

Camping, Uni and Beyond

It is official... I begin university in September... blimey... that's next month! Hmmm... so, not that scary then... O.O I suppose I am a little apprehensive and I am glad that I am. That's three years of studying hard. 
Three years. 
I guess no one is someone without the long hard road/ stairs... journey. 

The thing with life is that we may end up doing something completely different. We will develop. People will say you've changed in a negative way. They'll be envious because you're come so far and they are still stuck in a rot that they cannot or won't shift from. Trying something new can be daunting and people fear change. So who knows what I will end up doing. Who knows... it may all end in December...

Before all that happens I am going camping for the first time in my life. I remember watching Carol Vorderman on Room 101 a few months ago, trying very hard to put Camping Holidays in the hole. She described her horrible experience of rain and mud and god knows what else. One thing I remember in particular is that she said something about her tent sliding down a hill while she was inside asleep... this makes me wonder, what kind of an idiot pitches their tent on a sloping hill? We have booked our pitch on flat land and therefore, will unlikely tumble anywhere. as for rain and mud... has she not heard of wellington boots? 

Mind you, my positive perspective on this may change afterwards. I am getting a little excited, and every time I day dream, I do think about the sunset or sometimes it changes to surrounded be garden candles and eating marshmallows, and all the other unlikely things. In reality, I will have wind blown hair, cactus legs and it will possibly (most likely) rain and I'll smell like a wet dog. I might have to tell people- friends about my imaginary made up camping trip if all goes down hill anyhow. I'm not really a whinger so as far as I know I will have a good camping trip despite the rain/ landslide/ hurricane and whatever else. 

I had some money the other day... or so I realised after getting the confirmation email that I had been accepted to study at ARU. I wanted to treat myself, I wanted more books.
Got home with a few 1st ed hard backs from Sir Terry Pratchetts, a few manga novels, special ed LOtR books and a book by Meera Syal called 'Life Isn't All Ha Ha Hee Hee'. Here is a link for the miniseries BBC made also starring Meera Syal I have not seen it yet but hope you enjoy!


Friday, 20 July 2012

Future Aspiration

I often wonder, late into the night, when the world's reality becomes rather over bearing, what really matters in this life I have been given to live.

What is love? Is it really all that we are told that it is? Or is it just another pain in the backside? Gloomy, perhaps. 

Love has brought me an over bearing heartache in the past, like smoke it overtakes most of the sunlit landscape that no doubt is there somewhere. It is definitely not the most important thing to me. Yet it is there, in the holes of the wants and needs where my career and future prospects cannot fill.

Love cannot and will not keep a roof over my head. Nor will it keep my stomach full or pay the bills. 

So, I wonder, why is it something that I crave. Why do I feel warmth at the thought of being in love. And most of all, why when I think of my future I always see myself happy with someone rather than a successful career woman?

I wonder how much this has to do with the way we are conditioned to think as women, and how much this has to do with what I really truly want as a woman...

Sen x

Friday, 13 July 2012

Great Expectations

 A man from whom nothing is expected is a happier man than the one from whom great things are expected- (Me)

Lately, I've been feeling as though people are expecting a lot from me. They say thing like- "Oh, You'll be successful", or, "I can see a big career ahead for you" or in my mum's case, it's plain and simple, and a bit over the board - "You can buy me a house in a few years when you have a big job, oh and you will have a big job, I asked the Pandit". (Pandits are Indian Psychics).

I'm not really complaining, I'm concerned. What if I can't do it? When I'm feeling slightly depressed I think that it would be better if I die young because then people can say "She would gone far" because if I don't make it, that'll just disappoint every one, but most of all, me.


I suppose I'm working towards something- I've finished college with good marks (yay). I didn't fail like I thought I would. My back pain held me back a little (a lot of absence) but that was to be expected. I'm going to uni in September...

... BUT I feel as though everyone who tells me that I have a bright future or whatever is ignoring the present. As though I am nothing right now. It's as if my life hasn't begun yet. To be honest, this is how I was looking at it for a while too, just looking forward to starting to live that high life. I guess something changed a couple of months ago. I realised this is it. Now is important too.

It's important that we don't dream too much that we lose the sense of reality. I've made that mistake before.

It's all a journey and I want to savour every moment.

Have a happy Friday the 13th. Watch your step and cross the road carefully!


Saturday, 10 March 2012


*I* feel like a fish living in a one of those bowl shaped tank with a dark thick cloth put over it. I can see nothing in the darkness. Not even a ray of hope. Fish in tanks only see what is presented to them. They cannot jump out, unless of course they are feeling suicidal. But unlike humans, pet fish cannot go and have an adventure, nor can they truly know what the world is really like. I wonder if there ever was a pet fish who questioned the world for what it truly is. Most importantly, I wonder if that fish got to see and understand the reality.

I am in a fish bowl, maybe it is self inflicted. For when the reality has come at me in the form of the family cat, I have with immediate urgency retreated to the little house as the bottom of the glass tank. Now, the world has hidden me away, as if I never existed. Even the cat has stopped coming to me. I am no longer a part that fits anywhere. A jigsaw piece that belongs in another puzzle... misbagged, misplaced.

Monday, 6 February 2012


Does hard work really lead to an abundance of success?

Depends on what success means to an individual.

Sadly, most of the time it means money.

Having added the word 'sadly', you will judge me to be a naive 'do gooder' who probably does not understand the meaning of true success or reality. However, I am sure there will be a minority of you who will see the word, 'sadly' and agree and understand exactly what I mean about the state of this world. It is to these latter people that I salute and the rest of the majority to whom, I stick up my middle finger.

Adieu to you.

Sen x

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Forces of Nature

I wonder why things have to change. Whether change is the right word. Maybe it is the word Development. But then I realise that I only see it as a 'development' in retrospect. Today, I feel it to be a 'change', so perhaps next time it will become a 'development'. I only hope that it takes me enough time, so that I can learn all that I can. I am afraid that I won't learn from my mistake. To learn one must seek out the lesson. To not always rely on the voice your of heart? Never hope that the man will 'develop', even though he would think that you are trying to 'change' him. Or to always listen to your mind? 'Stop this absurdity, he's a prick!' Since things have changed I've left my heart and mind to fight or even just bicker (duel to the death!).

Mind you, Pocohontas hasn't helped much with "Follow your heart" rubbish. Because of you Disney, I have had my heart broken so many times (but not that many). Not to mention Bollywood with the heroes (main guy) being so charming or good at fighting (the villains). Although saying that, I've not got many enemies so prince charming's kung fu skills won't ever be required. Even so -_- I've hoped that I don't end up a spinster with (lots of) cats. I have hoped that I can stand someone long enough to marry them for 20 years. Why 20? Well because I don't want to be a single mother, so by that time, I'm thinking the one child I do have will be 18 (have kid after two years of lovey dovey time then loveyness will wear off so will need a distraction) and fly the next to university. Of course I now know that they are not Heroes. And not to completely follow my heart! I can remember my heart feeding my mind the same BS- I can be happy with this guy- so many TIMES.

Rant over...

So where do I go from here? I find that every time I think I know where I am going, it usually goes wrong. The biggest and best advice I can give any girl- never day-dream about your future with some guy, EVER! This includes the engagement, the wedding, the kids and parents evening! The otherwise small heartache usually turns into something even bigger when you plan your future with them. Just don't do it. I guess the same goes with dudes too but me being a chick, I know we ladies like to day-dream. Not the best idea.

I'll try and minimise the day-dreaming.
Things are bound to get better... right? In fact, I believe they will. I will develop and I will accept change.

I will learn.

Until next time,
Sen x