Monday, 24 August 2015


I had the operation on my back in late June, and while I was incapacitated I began to really appreciate freedom. Once I was completely unable to do anything did I wish I had my wings returned to me so that I could fly again once more. I think it was then that I realised that I had been behaving like my wings had been clipped long ago, which has never been the case. I realise now that I have been ignoring a lot things, or I pushing a part of myself out of the way so that I don't have to see the stark truth in front of me. But as life is, those hidden parts hiding away in the shadows always find a way to come back bigger and uglier, and usually unannounced. Life tends to not give us the warnings, or shall I say that we tend not to see them. I had been hiding a huge part of me away from myself, that when it finally emerged from the shadows, I could not recognise it, and the story it had to tell me pretty much crushed me...

So while I was waiting for the pain to subside, I shamelessly daydreamed about some of the adventures I want to undertake. In these dreams I tended to be dressed as a Lara Croftesque figure climbing (steep) hills, hiking into giant caves or riding a horse. I know it sounds lame, but I kind of feel too afraid to dream any bigger. In the past couple of weeks, I have become hopeful, nay adamant that I will have no pain soon. For the most part it feels like the back was aggravated with, like someone has been flapping around with a car air fresheners letting off strong aromas, in my case causing the pain. I feel like I have been thrown up in the air mutiple times- handled roughly by a circus man. Or been thrown around the dance floor by an overly enthusiastic male lead. The one thing I have noticed is how much strainghter I am standing. The curvature has lessened and I can move parts of my lower back I haven't been able to in a while. The whole area feels less like it's made of stone and more like it could be made out of flexible wood.

Though I am delighted at the prospect of not feeling pain soon, I am also very afraid. This pain has been my constant companion for the past 10 years, and longer if I count the bouts of back pain I suffered as a child. So in a way, it's feels like I am divorcing myself from it, though I am relieved in one way, I realise that I am cutting ties with a one of the few constants in my life . And though it sounds demented, it really was always there for me when I was alone. Before this turns into a love letter to my bane of my life thus far, I must stop. breath and move forward.

The next few weeks in my life are very important. I feel like I have put all my hopes in this procedure, and in the back of my mind I have fears of it not working and how the failure will affect my life.

Until next time,

Sen x

PS- I know this is the second post of the day, but I seem to have written many posts but ever got around to posting them. This next post will be about a serious subject, so watch this space!


I recently achieved a highly personal goal, something that I believed would make me completely happy once it was achieved, a goal I had only somewhat of a control over. Once it happened and I was on the other side, I of course realised that there is always a snag to goals. They never really end. So, really, I am happy that goal was achieved but now I'm running towards the next step. I did imagine these metaphorical clouds parting and I would be covered in pixie dust of happiness. I imagined that I would level up at least and feel even for a few moments that I had reached something. Of course, life isn't exactly like a video game.

It occurs to me now that, we humans are always chasing after something, some goal, and we're never really satisfied, and we're not that different in our thinking to be following that different a goal. With the media and internet ever so over-bearing, I wonder how many of us are able to really think sophisticatedly, and independently of what it is that we want from our lives, without any kind of an influence. I believe there's too much pressure as it is to find that end goal of happiness without being told inadvertently by TV programmes as it is, and of course now you have a streaming newsfeed with so many links to "advice" type memes. And of course there is the now exhausted social media facade, where we share only what we want people to see. So, of course when we see our friends sharing their happiness, we think they're happier than us when really they're not really sharing the other parts. There's also the old consumerist argument about being told what to buy to make you happy. And it's sad that most people tend to think of other people who carry on believing that money doesn't buy happiness as hippies, or over-privileged.  In fact, I've believed in that same statement for many years now, I started off as someone who would have been seen to be over-privileged, to someone who couldn't afford nice things and was deluding herself to now as someone who examines things and see if she can make them herself (with a small aubergine ha). I guess culture and family values also play a big part in what become our goals. But in my mind, family influences are a little more organic than the other influences. Even though there comes a time when we all rebel against even those.

Of course we also have to wonder with all this significance based primarily on finding internal happiness, where does making other people happy go? Perhaps it's just me but on my newsfeed I would be hard pressed to find people sharing posts of themselves making other people happy, it's all rather sad. From my experience, I have felt the happiest helping others and it is a real shame that we are losing that message.

Breathe. Pardon me for my ramblings.

Until next time,

Sen x