Sunday, 20 November 2011

Let go

I was just reading an interesting article on BBC news about how giving free milk to children under 5 at schools is such 'big problem', politically, that is. As I went on to read it, some MP was saying that children used to die from malnutrition back in the 1930s. This kind of matches to what's happening these days, fine, they aren't dying but a lot parents can't afford cereals or enough food to feed their children in the mornings and that's why the milk in question is so important for them. It's sad that we've ended up in a similar position again. But back then it was due to the war, and lack of food. But I wonder has the recent war a lot to do with the sad state of affairs we find ourselves in today? People who govern us are meant to know better. People are out of jobs, suffering, in debt, starving. Starvation, a few years ago was left to the "third world" countries. Is England any different now? Pride can only take us so far. But as they say, money talks. Listening to politicians on radio or TV, behind all that garbage, even they have nothing to say. Are we all on the same boat though? Not really, looking at figures, some one my age is not likely to buy their first property until they are at least 38. Why is that a problem? Is it really a problem? Will a house make you any happier? Besides you can't really take a house with you to your grave. Right?
This link appeared on my news feed the other day. I'm still mulling over it, thinking and trying to make sense of it. Conditioning it into my thinking. I'm uneasy to let go completely. I'm afraid that it'll leave me exposed in some way. We, as humans are so deeply conditioned to keep hold of things. A few years back a friend borrowed (unreturned to this day) a couple of books, a dress and a few dvds. Still to this day, I sometimes feel pangs of heartache, mostly from missing the dress and the books. After going on the above link, I felt more able to let go of that dress, I don't really know why as yet. I've also had people who've "borrowed" money from me but never returned it. That was much easier to let go of, long before this article was read. I put all this down to the fact that I moved around a lot, as a child, so, I didn't really have many things I could call my own. When I moved out of the family home, I had to leave almost everything I had. All I really took with me was about 30 books and clothes. I still miss the little things I used to have. It's kind of sad but I can't help it. I miss my family but to be honest, I miss the dogs more.

  What you have lost that you realise is not needed, you have never lost. The article goes on to say that besides one another, we really don't need much to survive. Sometimes, I feel like a cactus. I have a tendency to push people away. It's almost like a safety mechanism. I literally cannot stand being hugged to tightly because it hurts me too much. Maybe that's why I hold onto things because I'm no good at holding onto people? Do things, objects really cloud our minds though? Will I feel better for clearly the unnecessary? Or will it just end up making me feel empty? What stabilises our inner beings? Do we really have to go to school, college and then work? Why does money make the world go around?
7 Billion humans alone live there. From the outside everything looks so peaceful. From that view, everything, the problems, all worries seem so minuscule, unimportant. Possessions have no place. But sitting here. in this living room, everything returns again. However, now I wonder whether things turn into problems when you turn them into just that, a problem? I mean, we are just humans, there aren't any super humans running around who better than us.

In fact, maybe having less is better because it's easier to let go than if you were to have more. There's a reason why you have more in the first place. I'm unsure... I can only judge by comparing myself with others. I don't even know what the 'right' amount is.

Looking back at that picture, it is hard to believe that such a beautiful planet is being trampled on, killed on, damaged by it's occupants. It is sad. So if we could do something good by our beautiful planet then perhaps the article is right in saying that besides one another, we need very little of anything else to survive.

Sen x

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Getting one's priorities straight?

Getting my priorities straight... That's hard for me. I should be doing the bulk of homework we got given but I can only keep the paint brush down for 3 months tops. Any more than that and I begin to feel unlike myself. Not Sen, I start trying to be someone else. Not me. I looked inside to find me, only to find an empty shell that needs inputting. I've only done the sky in the new painting and I already feel like me and it's the best joy anyone could ever feel. I am myself again. It's the best feeling in the world, especially when you lose yourself to the daily grind. I don't know if anyone can ever understand, but I'm sure we all lose our identity at one point or another and it is sooo difficult to find ourselves again.

For weeks now, I have felt this disturbance deep inside me, at first I thought it was just one of those things, then last week I realised there was nothing inside me any more. Not even an inking of me. I had lost myself to the dark pits of an unfocused hell. On numerous occasions, I have caught myself staring at a canvas I drew on last year. I suppose I was waiting for the right time to paint it. I guess I should have realised a part of me that still existed was giving me the answer all along- "paint it to find happiness". The painting is already looking fab. The problem with staring at a drawn canvas is that you start imagining how it 'could' look. It's a problem because you end up seeing things on it that might be a bit too far to reach. I'm not a brilliant artist, I can admit that easily, but I like painting. It makes me happy, however, my imagination is vast. What I imagined and how it'll look will be highly different. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be disappointed. I just won't tell anyone about all the different versions of it that reside in my mind. In fact, a lot the paintings that I have done have different versions in my mind. It's nice (overly used word) because not only do I see what others see, I see much, much more.

 Some times I feel inside me this strong woman, I also some times wonder who she is. It's nice to have her back. I've been feeling barely alive over the last few months, where as now I feel rejuvenated, awake again. Now that I'm back, I've been looking back at some of the things I've done over the past few months. There are some crimes I may have committed against myself and everything I believe in. I repeat, against myself, not the law. I think I've made some mistakes. I was speaking to a friend earlier and he told me, as long as I've learnt from the mistakes, I should be okay. The problem isn't that I've made a mistake (s). It's just that I don't really know how or what to learn from it. For example, a mistake could be- falling so easily for a stranger. Would the lesson be not to fall for a stranger again or to never give my heart away so easily? (heart hasn't even been accepted, it's just banging into his chest these days, waiting for an entry, which is tightly shut) OR is it never to fall in love? Actually, I was thinking I would be happier without a man friend. Why have a man friend when you can have cats (or dogs)! But then at the same time companionship shouldn't really be shunned.

Since the last post, I did a 'proper' spring clean of the flat! It was turning into some kind of a cobweb-filled crazy old lady's fantasy come true. Maybe not that bad, but bad enough.
This stuff is great! You can find it almost anywhere. Buy it for a quid from poundland today! For once I was giving my mother great cleaning tips and it felt good! To all the nice people- Sorry about the grammatical mistakes. To all the insensitive retards (sorry, meant nincompoops)- if you're still complaining, go blog about it. Sen x

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Upwards and onwards?

Things have changed, well developed. College is great. I am meant to be doing an essay for Criminology, instead I am sitting, procrastinating. Waiting, I suppose for something to happen within me, where I become so motivated that nothing distracts me and I write so much that I have to edit the whole thing down to 1500 words. I hope that this time it will happen sooner rather than a few hours before the dead line. Since wrting the lat line, I can feel it creeping up in me, the feeling a soldier feels on the front line. I am ready to attack this essay. I'll see how far I can get...

A day after...
Yes! it's done. Originally, I had planned to say the above sentence along the lines of, 'A few hours later', but as the hours went by, I sat staring at the screen, scared and confused. I gave up and went out for a pint to help me think. One pint turned into two, eventually I ended up falling asleep. Luckily, this morning I woke up with that motivation I have been so lacking over the past few days. I gave up spending some awesomeness time with someone special the other day in hope that I could do this god damn essay :(

But tomorrow's a new week. I hope to make up for lost time! I can do the housework at last! thankfully I'm not the only one who's not been able to do the laundry or the washing up. some women in the group have also hinted about letting their kids starve while they've been too busy doing their coursework. Thankfully, I only have Parsley and a Nigella plants. And of course myself to feed. Luckily though I started a diet a few weeks ago, so not eating has to be considered a good thing. Having said that, I haven't exactly been starving myself either. I need energy to concentrate. One thing I have not been doing is drinking enough tea.
Last week, while procrastinating, I finished knitting myself a scarf I had abandoned. It felt pretty good for the whole 2 minutes before getting scared about the essays. Luckily, I'm doing productive things, other people in my class have been going to the extremes of cleaning microwaves or dusting top of the shelves they've never dusted before. At least I am making devises to keep warm from the ever looming cold that is fast approaching.
Anyhow, anyone else in my position would be sick of typing by now. Actually, my eyes are hurting slightly. Think it's an early sign of tiredness. In fact, it might actually be a late sign. I need a few days away from the screen... like hell that's going happen.


Au revoir my amigos,

Until next time,
Sen x