Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Christmas Blues

Christmas is here! Well, I had to force myself to put in that exclamation mark. Not feeling jolly. I have been leaving things to the last minute this year- apart from writing a few cards, I've still not done any Christmas shopping :/ I tried to do some today, but it didn't exactly work out. There were many distractions in the form of handbags and shiny things. Before I knew it, it was around 5 and I needed to come home to do a few things.

For the past, god knows, how many years, I have been rather organised with the present shopping. I used to make lists of names and 3 possible gifts my friends/ family members would love. This year, it doesn't feel like Christmas and so there has been no list making. It kind of feels like Christmas is being forced upon us. Last week was a turning point, I suddenly felt the Christmas Spirit, so put the trees up, well, that's lie. Some friends on Facebook, were putting up photos of their trees and decorations. Me being a proud owner of a fake six-and-a-half foot tall tree, decided, I was not going to sit back and look at pictures of badly dressed trees, and so "needed" to put the godforsaken tree up too.
It's amazing how much hassle I put myself through by conforming. Still, I did it all, of course I had to move two big book cases out of the living room in order to fit in the plastic tree. By doing so, I also ended up hurting my back, even more than usual. This led me to being bed ridden for several days. By the end of last week, I hated Christmas and felt angry every time a friend updated a Christmas themed status. They were like flocks of seagulls- annoying me, in my way, ghastly. I wanted to punch something or delete any friend who decided that talking about Christmas was cool. Thankfully, I did neither and went to a pub close by. This wasn't any better. The landlord is either Father Christmas or is a bit overly overenthusiastic when it comes to decorating. I felt like I was being strangled and suffocated by the Spirit of Christmas. They have Father Christmas wrapping paper stuck on the walls and the windows were covers with fairy lights and tinsel and just about anything that they could find in their Christmas decorations boxes. It smelt like mince pies and the bar people were wearing red hats. Well, I thought, outside will be better. How wrong I was, we were entertained by several flashing lights depicting jolly fat men, his reindeer and bells, on all four walls.

I feel bitter. I feel like a decrepit, senile old woman. I'm not even middle aged yet. Of course I know that I could just choose not celebrate it. But then I would definitely become senile, or in fact prove it. Wise beyond my years or just incapacitated in the head. I don't want to choose. I've always been the first one to get excited about Christmas, the one who goes all out with the decorations and whatever else. But this year it just seems like a drag. Maybe it's because I have four 1500 word essays to do and one power point presentation. Or maybe it's because I didn't get into Cambridge U (was going post a long prose about the anguish, but decided against it- now a deadpan post). Or maybe it's because my back really hurts... or maybe because I know even mistletoe won't ignite any fires.

I am passionless, that's absolute.

If I change my mind, I will let you know.

Sen x

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Let go

I was just reading an interesting article on BBC news about how giving free milk to children under 5 at schools is such 'big problem', politically, that is. As I went on to read it, some MP was saying that children used to die from malnutrition back in the 1930s. This kind of matches to what's happening these days, fine, they aren't dying but a lot parents can't afford cereals or enough food to feed their children in the mornings and that's why the milk in question is so important for them. It's sad that we've ended up in a similar position again. But back then it was due to the war, and lack of food. But I wonder has the recent war a lot to do with the sad state of affairs we find ourselves in today? People who govern us are meant to know better. People are out of jobs, suffering, in debt, starving. Starvation, a few years ago was left to the "third world" countries. Is England any different now? Pride can only take us so far. But as they say, money talks. Listening to politicians on radio or TV, behind all that garbage, even they have nothing to say. Are we all on the same boat though? Not really, looking at figures, some one my age is not likely to buy their first property until they are at least 38. Why is that a problem? Is it really a problem? Will a house make you any happier? Besides you can't really take a house with you to your grave. Right?
This link appeared on my news feed the other day. I'm still mulling over it, thinking and trying to make sense of it. Conditioning it into my thinking. I'm uneasy to let go completely. I'm afraid that it'll leave me exposed in some way. We, as humans are so deeply conditioned to keep hold of things. A few years back a friend borrowed (unreturned to this day) a couple of books, a dress and a few dvds. Still to this day, I sometimes feel pangs of heartache, mostly from missing the dress and the books. After going on the above link, I felt more able to let go of that dress, I don't really know why as yet. I've also had people who've "borrowed" money from me but never returned it. That was much easier to let go of, long before this article was read. I put all this down to the fact that I moved around a lot, as a child, so, I didn't really have many things I could call my own. When I moved out of the family home, I had to leave almost everything I had. All I really took with me was about 30 books and clothes. I still miss the little things I used to have. It's kind of sad but I can't help it. I miss my family but to be honest, I miss the dogs more.

  What you have lost that you realise is not needed, you have never lost. The article goes on to say that besides one another, we really don't need much to survive. Sometimes, I feel like a cactus. I have a tendency to push people away. It's almost like a safety mechanism. I literally cannot stand being hugged to tightly because it hurts me too much. Maybe that's why I hold onto things because I'm no good at holding onto people? Do things, objects really cloud our minds though? Will I feel better for clearly the unnecessary? Or will it just end up making me feel empty? What stabilises our inner beings? Do we really have to go to school, college and then work? Why does money make the world go around?
7 Billion humans alone live there. From the outside everything looks so peaceful. From that view, everything, the problems, all worries seem so minuscule, unimportant. Possessions have no place. But sitting here. in this living room, everything returns again. However, now I wonder whether things turn into problems when you turn them into just that, a problem? I mean, we are just humans, there aren't any super humans running around who better than us.

In fact, maybe having less is better because it's easier to let go than if you were to have more. There's a reason why you have more in the first place. I'm unsure... I can only judge by comparing myself with others. I don't even know what the 'right' amount is.

Looking back at that picture, it is hard to believe that such a beautiful planet is being trampled on, killed on, damaged by it's occupants. It is sad. So if we could do something good by our beautiful planet then perhaps the article is right in saying that besides one another, we need very little of anything else to survive.

Sen x

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Getting one's priorities straight?

Getting my priorities straight... That's hard for me. I should be doing the bulk of homework we got given but I can only keep the paint brush down for 3 months tops. Any more than that and I begin to feel unlike myself. Not Sen, I start trying to be someone else. Not me. I looked inside to find me, only to find an empty shell that needs inputting. I've only done the sky in the new painting and I already feel like me and it's the best joy anyone could ever feel. I am myself again. It's the best feeling in the world, especially when you lose yourself to the daily grind. I don't know if anyone can ever understand, but I'm sure we all lose our identity at one point or another and it is sooo difficult to find ourselves again.

For weeks now, I have felt this disturbance deep inside me, at first I thought it was just one of those things, then last week I realised there was nothing inside me any more. Not even an inking of me. I had lost myself to the dark pits of an unfocused hell. On numerous occasions, I have caught myself staring at a canvas I drew on last year. I suppose I was waiting for the right time to paint it. I guess I should have realised a part of me that still existed was giving me the answer all along- "paint it to find happiness". The painting is already looking fab. The problem with staring at a drawn canvas is that you start imagining how it 'could' look. It's a problem because you end up seeing things on it that might be a bit too far to reach. I'm not a brilliant artist, I can admit that easily, but I like painting. It makes me happy, however, my imagination is vast. What I imagined and how it'll look will be highly different. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'll be disappointed. I just won't tell anyone about all the different versions of it that reside in my mind. In fact, a lot the paintings that I have done have different versions in my mind. It's nice (overly used word) because not only do I see what others see, I see much, much more.

 Some times I feel inside me this strong woman, I also some times wonder who she is. It's nice to have her back. I've been feeling barely alive over the last few months, where as now I feel rejuvenated, awake again. Now that I'm back, I've been looking back at some of the things I've done over the past few months. There are some crimes I may have committed against myself and everything I believe in. I repeat, against myself, not the law. I think I've made some mistakes. I was speaking to a friend earlier and he told me, as long as I've learnt from the mistakes, I should be okay. The problem isn't that I've made a mistake (s). It's just that I don't really know how or what to learn from it. For example, a mistake could be- falling so easily for a stranger. Would the lesson be not to fall for a stranger again or to never give my heart away so easily? (heart hasn't even been accepted, it's just banging into his chest these days, waiting for an entry, which is tightly shut) OR is it never to fall in love? Actually, I was thinking I would be happier without a man friend. Why have a man friend when you can have cats (or dogs)! But then at the same time companionship shouldn't really be shunned.

Since the last post, I did a 'proper' spring clean of the flat! It was turning into some kind of a cobweb-filled crazy old lady's fantasy come true. Maybe not that bad, but bad enough.
This stuff is great! You can find it almost anywhere. Buy it for a quid from poundland today! For once I was giving my mother great cleaning tips and it felt good! To all the nice people- Sorry about the grammatical mistakes. To all the insensitive retards (sorry, meant nincompoops)- if you're still complaining, go blog about it. Sen x

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Upwards and onwards?

Things have changed, well developed. College is great. I am meant to be doing an essay for Criminology, instead I am sitting, procrastinating. Waiting, I suppose for something to happen within me, where I become so motivated that nothing distracts me and I write so much that I have to edit the whole thing down to 1500 words. I hope that this time it will happen sooner rather than a few hours before the dead line. Since wrting the lat line, I can feel it creeping up in me, the feeling a soldier feels on the front line. I am ready to attack this essay. I'll see how far I can get...

A day after...
Yes! it's done. Originally, I had planned to say the above sentence along the lines of, 'A few hours later', but as the hours went by, I sat staring at the screen, scared and confused. I gave up and went out for a pint to help me think. One pint turned into two, eventually I ended up falling asleep. Luckily, this morning I woke up with that motivation I have been so lacking over the past few days. I gave up spending some awesomeness time with someone special the other day in hope that I could do this god damn essay :(

But tomorrow's a new week. I hope to make up for lost time! I can do the housework at last! thankfully I'm not the only one who's not been able to do the laundry or the washing up. some women in the group have also hinted about letting their kids starve while they've been too busy doing their coursework. Thankfully, I only have Parsley and a Nigella plants. And of course myself to feed. Luckily though I started a diet a few weeks ago, so not eating has to be considered a good thing. Having said that, I haven't exactly been starving myself either. I need energy to concentrate. One thing I have not been doing is drinking enough tea.
Last week, while procrastinating, I finished knitting myself a scarf I had abandoned. It felt pretty good for the whole 2 minutes before getting scared about the essays. Luckily, I'm doing productive things, other people in my class have been going to the extremes of cleaning microwaves or dusting top of the shelves they've never dusted before. At least I am making devises to keep warm from the ever looming cold that is fast approaching.
Anyhow, anyone else in my position would be sick of typing by now. Actually, my eyes are hurting slightly. Think it's an early sign of tiredness. In fact, it might actually be a late sign. I need a few days away from the screen... like hell that's going happen.


Au revoir my amigos,

Until next time,
Sen x

Monday, 29 August 2011

A Life of a Student?

So here I am again, Six years on, going back into education. I went in last week to have an induction and an interview. Thankfully I got in. I start on the 12th of September. Next Friday is the taster day, which is compulsory to attend.

So last week when I went in for the interview, I got the opportunity to meet other hopeful students. They looked happy and excited. I was happy and excited too until I got home and realised what I had got myself into. Now, I feel absolutely terrified. Worse thing is, my friends think I am clever and intelligent so I will do well, but I really don't I can live up to their expectations. I just happen to say clever and intelligent things most of the time. I try to think before I speak (not always though). I recently added an old school friend on facebook, who told me that I 'would probably get into Cambridge University no problemo', because I 'was intelligent at school.' I was not an A star student at school, far from it. I averaged a 'C' on most assignments. I felt happy when I got a B or a C+.

So what has changed in the last 6 years?
What hasn't? It's amazing; I'm the one interviewing myself and still asking stupid questions.

I hope it's natural to feel this way. I am pretty sure it is. Hopefully, things have changed enough, as in I work harder this time. I will have to get As instead of Cs because I am indeed applying to Cambridge U.

In other news, or olds depending on if my stalker is reading this (if I would be so un/lucky to have one).

-The plants came back to life! ~Amazingly~
However, the white/ pale green bugs still managed to find their way back some how. The spray I got to rid of them is so useless ¬_¬

-My mother came down to see me a couple of weeks back, amongst other things she had brought with her was a SEWING MACHINE. So I now finally have one! I can now make my own curtains, clothes, bags and other cool things. (Haven't touched it since we put it on my work desk)

-I began to read Lord of the Rings. It is amazing. Definately good for the brain. Brain food, almost.

And I said I would put on the new paintings the last time, so here they are:
No name as yet, but it is now sold.

This one has no name either, could simply call it 'Aubergine'.

Until next time,

Tuesday, 26 July 2011


I have recently been thinking about life. What is really important and what is a waste. What life is supposed to be about and why adding 'supposed' to it ruins the whole idea of life itself. Why is it that people in general seem to turn their noses to other people who seem to have more fun? Why is happiness just so difficult to find? Is it because people are trying to reach for things that are so hard to achieve or because they are not trying hard enough to achieve them.

I guess I am just afraid that I will get trampled on by people better guided than me. Or are they just as afraid as I am? Some times, I wish I could just find some one to answer my questions. But then again, I am sure most of the answers would only make me more scared. So, is too much knowledge really that bad for you? I mean being clever is great, but if that means you are a bit of a nut case, with hardly any friends and only be 'allowed' to see your family for an hour a week and be surrounded by a padded room the rest of the time. Is that what life is?

Or do you just not care apart from the bloody immigrants taking up jobs that even you don't bother to do? Not bothering to study hard, or work hard in life. Just floating around, with either children or cats that you can't even afford to feed. Not realising that you are so lucky that you get free health care and have a working fridge, which is more than most people in the world will ever get. Is that what life is?

I think I may be rather ill exposed to life or just the lives of others. I don't think I get to see good life in England because every one is so god damn privileged. I think the best place I saw real potential of what life can be is when I lived in India. Although saying that, both examples were of selfish groups of people. I know enough people who 'care' but they care because it makes them feel good for caring, which again is selfish. As though caring will earn them brownie points to heaven or good karma.

In other news, all my plants have died or are in the process of dying. It was the Aphids! I tried everything I could but they didn't make it. I guess I feel like I let them down. I have been feeling heart broken since they started going yellow :( :( :( Saying that, I have been thinking of getting a tree, although not sure if a tree will be happy inside an apartment. I have high ceilings... could try a fake tree, would love to see the aphids trying to munch on that!
OoOoOh, I sold a painting!!! One of the ones I finished during the last post. Picture will follow soon enough.

Until next time,
It's your lovely host,

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


This isn't where I describe the above word or how it will play a huge role in destroying the world in 2012. Although saying that I can most likely come up with a really (un)believable story about it.

Still, we all procrastinate...
I am doing it right now. Late at night, may i add, when I should just go to bed. Catch up on sleep. But, I am finding it hard to go to bed before 3am these past few days, okay, weeks but only a couple.

But do you do it late at night when you should really be sleeping? Of course you do it if you are an insomniac. Or like me, that and have a bad back too. Boo. Enough sympathy. Now onto the news, well 'olds'. Why do they calls them Newspapers? Since all the information on them is one day old, I wonder...

I really have no prior plan of where this blog will go, as I said, I am procrastinating so please excuse the... urm... absence of plot.

Here's some random olds of this week so far...

>I decided to bite the bullet. Climb the fence. Just go for it and try my hands at oil paints.
I have to say, so far so okay. At first I thought it would just be a few strokes to test and learn more about the paint. It was a very small canvass and before I knew it I was forming shapes and in two nights I have pretty much finished a new painting. Tomorrow, I want to work on blending colours. It has been a quick painting, but I have also noticed oils take a long time to dry. I have been using acrylics for the past few years so I am not used to paint being wet for this long.

>I tried to capture the Cambridge Uni May ball fireworks on my camera, which I could see from outside my front door. It was a marvellous sight. Before I saw them, I had begun to believe I no longer had the phobia of fireworks. oh, I was so wrong. It didn't work out all that well. I had a lot of black pictures to go through to finally find these.

This one is probably the best one. I may have recovered a little by then realising I wasn't going to die.

By this point I think I realised they weren't going to keep going forever and decided to mentally slap myself and concentrate on taking a half decent photo.

>I have started writing properly again, after 7 months! I have found I am writing a lot better. Way better than I do on here. If I ever get published I will let you know. So I guess I am properly over a man of the Australian persuasion... Look at an older post to learn more...

In other news-
>My dream of having cats is kind of coming true. My friend is going away for a week in Early September so she is leaving her cats in my care to look after them!!! There is yet hope that I may indeed become the crazy cat lady!

Any how,
Time to sleep,
Sen x

Thursday, 9 June 2011

A View From My Window

A few posts ago I expressed an interest in taking photographs from my living room window, naming the post- 'A view from my window'. Well, that hasn't been the only picture I have taken. I don't take a photo every day, It's only when I see something beautiful that the camera is taken out super quick so I can try and capture the same thing that I can see. Although, the eye is the best camera out there, I like to think if you know how to then the camera is just as good, even though sometimes, good imagination goes a hand in hand with it. Especially if the photo is of some giant trees and rooftops. Which is what I tend to take photographs of. At least it's not photos of my neighbours... that would be not surprising of me but no.
The other day I was looking out of the window, it was 5pm, it still looked like early morning, with the crispy light shining on the rooftops. It looked 'tres' fresh and the air was just cool. So out came the camera:

It's amazing what you can find out of your own window, I don't even have a garden but I feel lucky enough to be able to see this every day:)


Thursday, 2 June 2011


My mother was hospitalised two days ago with stomach and chest pains, she is out now:) and a lot better:):)
I live quite far away from her and told her I was going to catch the next train out but she told me not to worry and not to come, still I worried the entire night. I rang her a few hours ago, she sounded terrible.
It scared me.
It also made me angry with myself.

I began to wonder why I lived in Cambridge and not nearer to her? Why could I not just up and leave? Is it easy to leave one life and build another?

As I type right now, I am looking at my furniture, at my precious books! I know I can easily move them. I look at my walls and I realise that I can have them replaced. But I wonder if it's really that easy to leave what you know, love and cherish.
Am I being selfish? Because I certainly don't enjoy living here because of the distance. I won't go into the nitty-gritty of why we live so far away from each other because by the time I finish, you'll be crying and I will have finished my first autobiography.

So, I sat and I thought long and hard. I decided to move there in 4 years, after I finish my studies. MUM is happy with that. Man friend is also happy. The plants are happy as long as I keep watering them. I am also happy.
I have a goal, a real goal... not a fantasy goal- Johhny Depp will never leave his wife for me. So I know the 4 year plan is definitely going to happen; I believe in it and it's not hard to reach.

(i'm sorry if this is not how a post is supposed to end. I would rather see you finish this post with a smile :)

(2013: update: mother has decided to move down to me in a few years and Johnny Depp has left his wife but is currently dating a super model... chances not as slim anymore...)

Sen x

Thursday, 5 May 2011

Mini Break (comprising 2 weddings, a birthday and a trip to the hospital)

For the past week I have been in Derbyshire, visiting my mother. The other day we decided to go for a walk in the countryside which is practically on my mother's doorstep. The clouds were behaving and the sky had a perfect colour to it...

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

One (IV) Ring(s) To Rule Them All

A perfect ring for every occasion is rather difficult to find... especially if you, like me, get attached to one ring for years. That ring loses its sparkle eventually and slowly it just becomes a part of you, dragging you down slowly, making the entire hand look awful...

HA! I found these rather gorgeous rings at H&M last week and I love them. They come in a 4 and they are soOo pretty!

Grab them before they go!


Yes... I am still alive...

I had forgotten I even had a blog until a few minutes ago when I came across a rather amusing blog. It is about tweets that some one has managed to turn into art. Yes ART. The creative mind never sleeps...
This man called Nick has so far illustrated 392 random tweets from random people.


Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Hibernation, and the life of a melancholic writer

Ha! Yes, I have been in hibernation since the last post... but a vampire too. Sleeping long yet odd hours of the day and very little in the night... no blood drinking though, not even red wine. Not getting out much... haven't even gone out to get any milk. This was mainly due to being ill with a bug/ cold. But also because I just wanted to hide away from everything.

My whole body was numb, as was my heart. Lost my man friend... boo.

But time seems to have started back up again. Trying to restart life... even if it is somewhat cranky from staying still, out in the cold.

So the first thing I've decided to do is to replace, as stated, the man friend with a KITTEN. And perhaps spoil the him/her rotten...

Things to do:-
1) Adopt Kitten
2) Easy up on Ben and Jerry's
3) Stop fantasising that man friend will fly over to England and whisk me away. Because he won't :(
4) Finish reading The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman

Hope you all have a good week,

Friday, 14 January 2011

Bieber f@*#ing fever

Just one day, I ask, just one whole day without his effing name being mentioned... it's bad enough that people have an annoying abundance of typing his name under every youtube video, let alone women, even men saying his name in completely -nothing-to-do-with bieber-convos.

A few days ago I decided to do a little test to see if I could go for a day without hearing his name, to see if there could be one day where he was just non existence.
Today, went well, until 11pm, when a friend pointed out that a guy in a film sort of looked like him. Then of course she looked at me guiltily. It still didn't help.

He's an okay singer, dumb as a bell when he talks. I don't have anything against the chap. I just wish people would move on to someone else, someone new...

Friday, 7 January 2011

Dentists and Soup

Tastes like cardboard...

The view from my window a month ago.

My first ever post

This is my first ever proper post! Even though I seem to have had this blog for almost 3 years... I don't quite remember why I opened this account in the first place... or even why I never bothered writing here.

Although saying that, I do feel rather naked writing here right now. But I do hope that these words with give me some sort of clothing and I won't be completely exposed out in the wide webbed world of internet.