Sunday, 30 March 2014

Little Realities

Since the last post, I am glad to report that I am once again positive, and feel that not everyone in the world is a bad person, and that humankind still have hope... or perhaps I have yet again been sucked into the distorted reality I was in before the glass finally shattered...

 I'm not saying that I've gone back into the same crystal bauble with self reflective walls, with a few scratches to see outside only when I squinted really hard, but I feel that the one I currently reside in has clearer windows with which to view the world, and to top it off, it isn't the embarrassing bauble that gets hanged at the back of the tree, you know the one you handmade but looks crap yet you still refuse to not put on the tree amid out of sight. This bauble is now in the front, and as I learn more and more, I am certain that it will move closer and closer to the top. Of course, as I move closer to the top, I might just try to hop from branch to branch to the back, from time to time, unable to watch anymore, but knowledge is power and as I see I shall learn... but I will become power hungry and become the very person I was hating on last time.

Well, enough with the Christmas metaphors.

Sweden is lovely. I think my inner self has developed here a lot more, the literature given to me has genuinely made me think, and relate it onto my own life and so enabling me to relate it to the wider world. I wish I could finish my degree here. I don't want to go back to my home Uni. A Swede told me I could just move here, live here. It sounded so tempting, who knows I may well do that if an opportunity came by. Since coming here, I think I've heard the word 'sincere' more than ever before. I think that has had a profound effect on my own life. People also really know how to live. They do things with their lives, other than sitting with their phones in their hands. Of course, not everyone is like that but I'm glad to be in the company of adventurers.

I am reluctant to return. Just thinking that this adventure will be over in 2 months makes me feel sick and I dread it. I guess I really have settled in. I'll miss the beautiful sunsets, and  how the orange sunlight at around half 5 in the afternoon hits the trees making them look so breathtaking. I'll also miss the blue skies we've had all this week, the snow we had in the first two months that looked like diamonds when it had settled as well as pure white powder. Things will never be the same when I get back.

 I have made friends here that I will be sad to say goodbye to. All we can do is make more happy memories and keep them with us for the rest of our lives.

Sen x

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Seeing through the Rose Tinted glasses No More

There always comes a time when we all have a moment or moments followed more moments when reach self realisation. I feel that so far I have suppressed that moment with an overwhelming sense of positivity in almost everything I do. From every day tasks such as cooking food to my hopes and aspirations, what I want to do in life, to what I feel I was born to do.

Yesterday for the first time in a long while, I decided to write down my thoughts. When the ink had dried, I realised that perhaps there is no hope in what I want to do in life. That perhaps there is no hope for helping the human race. There seems no point in saving it, for it was made to self-destruct. Humans, we are not worth saving. Yet my degree has always been about saving, preserving and helping those in need, those without equality and those in suffering. I suppose the situation in Ukraine was the catalyst in this small self realisation. I am proud be British, I always thought my county helped those in need. Yet we won't stand against Russia because we don't want to lose their investors. Of course, I always knew that diplomacy itself wasn't based on what's right or wrong, but on what can be gained or lost. I suppose I had been naive to think that the Tories would do the right thing. This whole situation shows the reality of diplomacy, and it truly saddens me. It has made me wonder what can I do in a world that has already established it's own way of doing things, as I will only get swallowed and then spat out. There is no room for honest, naive people out there. What change can I really bring when the world is controlled by fat cats?

Perhaps, tomorrow I will wake up with determination to keep going and keep fighting, but today I see the world without the rose tinted glasses.

I have lost hope today. All I see is misery.