Monday, 24 August 2015


I had the operation on my back in late June, and while I was incapacitated I began to really appreciate freedom. Once I was completely unable to do anything did I wish I had my wings returned to me so that I could fly again once more. I think it was then that I realised that I had been behaving like my wings had been clipped long ago, which has never been the case. I realise now that I have been ignoring a lot things, or I pushing a part of myself out of the way so that I don't have to see the stark truth in front of me. But as life is, those hidden parts hiding away in the shadows always find a way to come back bigger and uglier, and usually unannounced. Life tends to not give us the warnings, or shall I say that we tend not to see them. I had been hiding a huge part of me away from myself, that when it finally emerged from the shadows, I could not recognise it, and the story it had to tell me pretty much crushed me...

So while I was waiting for the pain to subside, I shamelessly daydreamed about some of the adventures I want to undertake. In these dreams I tended to be dressed as a Lara Croftesque figure climbing (steep) hills, hiking into giant caves or riding a horse. I know it sounds lame, but I kind of feel too afraid to dream any bigger. In the past couple of weeks, I have become hopeful, nay adamant that I will have no pain soon. For the most part it feels like the back was aggravated with, like someone has been flapping around with a car air fresheners letting off strong aromas, in my case causing the pain. I feel like I have been thrown up in the air mutiple times- handled roughly by a circus man. Or been thrown around the dance floor by an overly enthusiastic male lead. The one thing I have noticed is how much strainghter I am standing. The curvature has lessened and I can move parts of my lower back I haven't been able to in a while. The whole area feels less like it's made of stone and more like it could be made out of flexible wood.

Though I am delighted at the prospect of not feeling pain soon, I am also very afraid. This pain has been my constant companion for the past 10 years, and longer if I count the bouts of back pain I suffered as a child. So in a way, it's feels like I am divorcing myself from it, though I am relieved in one way, I realise that I am cutting ties with a one of the few constants in my life . And though it sounds demented, it really was always there for me when I was alone. Before this turns into a love letter to my bane of my life thus far, I must stop. breath and move forward.

The next few weeks in my life are very important. I feel like I have put all my hopes in this procedure, and in the back of my mind I have fears of it not working and how the failure will affect my life.

Until next time,

Sen x

PS- I know this is the second post of the day, but I seem to have written many posts but ever got around to posting them. This next post will be about a serious subject, so watch this space!

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