I feel a sort of heart break, a pain in my chest on the top right side. Left alone in the room, it deepens, hurts so hard. But then it numbs once I am joined by company. Drinking alcohol makes it far too prevalent.
I thought I had made strides, moved forward, and yet that pain is still there, never to leave me be. There's no way to move forward, no way to leave this pain behind. That feeling of emptiness will always be there. The ones I miss aren't dead; which in many ways is even worse because they choose to leave me out of their lives. I miss my siblings and without them I'll be lonely forever. The more I reminisce the more I realise it's for the best. But it's so unnatural. As the eldest, perhaps they mean more to me than I meant to them. Or realistically, they've just moved on.
Well... More likely the case is that I just can't move forward. Even though I took this position in case they needed me, they have actually far exceeded me in many ways. I cannot actually give them the material support they may have needed in case they needed a shelter. I am happy they are doing well in their own lives. But how do I inform my heart that I don't need to panic anymore, that I don't need to feel the guilt of leaving anyone behind? How do I not feel the guilt of enjoying my life?
